The Ninety Twelve

Why Trying To Be Christian Doesn’t Work

Within the last year, there has been a slight shift in my ideology towards what it means to be a Christian. In order to explain this thoroughly, I must start with my initial thought process.

I have been considered “Christian” my entire life. I went to church on Sundays, Vacation Bible School in the summers, and stood alongside the Virgin Mary in plays in December. I mean, when it comes to being Christian I was the perfect picture – or so I thought. It wasn’t until I grew up and stepped into the world on my own that I realized my Christian roots were about as deep as a puddle in the desert.

When I finally realized I couldn’t live my life simply knowing there is a God without a relationship with Him – I decided to make the biggest life change. I was going to be a Christian. This meant no cussing, reading the Bible, deep profound thoughts, and 3 hour long Bible studies….right? Wrong. Performance means nothing without a heart change. You can do all the “right” things and still be as lost as ever.

In hindsight, I realize just how much damage I caused in the years I was trying to be Christian. I was screaming I was a Christian while having sex outside of marriage. I was screaming I was Christian while having no good fruit. I was screaming I was Christian while trying to drag the very people I was living in sin with into my religious customs. Don’t get me wrong, we are called to evangelize. But my words mean nothing to the people who were being affected by my sinful actions.

As you can probably tell, the gift God has given me has alot to do with words. Up until a few months ago, this showed up as me posting content on social media about what God was revealing to me in everyday moments. And as cool as it was, I was discontent. I hated the idea of being the woman who would be on your For You page always giving you a word. Why couldn’t I be a singer? Where was the character development? I went to the Lord about it asking for more. More….. umph, ya know?

Me: “Lord, I want more. I want to be more than someone who speaks for you. I want to be more developed.”​

He said, “are you not content just being my daughter?”.

No.

God used this moment to reveal my heart. I wanted to be more in order to glorify myself and not God. To show you, yes you reading this, that I was more than the girl with a word. I think the craziest part of this whole situation is that I had begun to despise my gift of words as though they don’t hold the power of life and death. As though my words are not creating paradigm shifts in every mind willing to read them.

I’ve since made the decision to stop trying to be Christian. I’m now a Christian because I reside in Christ, and He in me, not because I read my Bible and said my prayers. This means my day to day looks different. There are no magic words and checklist but rather a redirection of my soul in every moment. Instead of looking to the world for what a Christian should be, how about we look to the one that Christianity is made to imitate?

Since the day I dared to tell God the truth, He’s been showing me just how blessed I am to be the daughter of the Most High. My relationship with God is no longer performance based. Everything I do flows from intimacy with the Lord. For example, a healthy relationship between a father and child does not require the child to come with a list of accomplishments. A healthy relationship requires time and intentionality and that is what God asks of us.

You too can experience this. I’m nothing special. I’m just a woman who decided to finally say yes to the open invitation Jesus offers us to be adopted. Saying yes to God meant saying no to everything the world told me I was supposed to show up as and boy what a burden that lifted.