The Ninety Twelve

Pain has a voice. Pain yells. Pain doesn’t whisper. Pain demands to be acknowledged like someone who’s favorite color is purple. No matter how swiftly you try to bypass Pain, it lingers like the smell of a middle school boy using AXE body spray without deodorant – begging to be addressed. The problem is, we do not want to address Pain. Addressing Pain requires a tough conversation where honesty is the quite literally the best policy.

Not too long ago, Pain took up residence in my abdomen for closer to three weeks. I would wake up in the middle of the night to Pain screaming like an infant hungry for their bottle. Sleep escaped me. Tylenol became my daily supplement because I couldn’t go about my daily activities without muffling that voice. It was literally all I could think about. I had gotten so used to the hootin’ and hollerin’ of Pain that when it would fade it took me awhile to realize I was finally basking in silence.

Because Pain is so prominent, it becomes background noise like the hum of the television or the sound of an air conditioner. Pain becomes a state of living because dysfunction has become normalized. The pain I spoke of was physical but Pain shows up in different clothes for all of us; always ready for war with it’s weapon of choice carving it’s way through the mind. I’d argue that Pain disguises itself as a friend- especially when the wound is emotional. And for the untrained eye, it is believable because “I shouldn’t be feeling like this” or “I should be over this by now”. But the fact of the matter is, you do feel like that and you are not over it. Pain leaves a residue on the mind in the same way your ears ring after being in a loud environment. Long after Pain is gone, there remains an echo that shows up as complaints, negative thoughts, self pity, and fear. Although pain is more demanding,

Gratitude waits patiently for her turn to speak. Her hand is always raised like a student who always has the answer yet the teacher avoids choosing her knowing that if Gratitude is chosen, the attention would shift from the doctrine of Pain. Pain was never mean to run the show. If Pain and Gratitude were in an improv class, the game of choice would be “Yes, And…” because Gratitude has always been about accepting reality not running from it.